The promise. Part |

It was a beautiful winter’s day outside.

The sun made the snow sparkle and everything was at peace. No wind blowing, no people roaming around. Even the birds dared to come out for a spin. Frozen flowers were taking over the glass, making it look like a magical masterpiece. There was nothing extraordinary about that day, but still that day has given to someone a last opportunity to enjoy the beauty of existence.

As she looked into the sun, she realized that winter is changing drastically, and it can’t even be compared to the times when she was a child.

–Brrr, i remember when i used to rub my hands all the way to school, just to keep them a little warm.

Did you do the same as a kid, love?

But he didn’t answer. He was too busy staring at her lips. Those pale pink, perfect sized lips.
He wanted to kiss her so bad…
To kiss her and through that kiss, give her half of his remaining days, because he wanted to die in the same moment as his soulmate.
After recovering from that state, he smiled kindly and told her that she’s the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, and with a kiss on her forehead he made her close her eyes.
“-Try to sleep, you need rest”, he said with a fatherly tone.
“-I’ll have my rest. Soon. Now i need to see you, to see this beautiful sun, to feel his warmth, your warmth… Your hands… To fill myself with this feeling because the winter is taking over me.”

And a moment of silence embraced the room.
He continued to watch her, she smiled every time she met his eyes looking right into hers.
She gathered the power to get her head up, and with a slight move of a hand she showed him a little white envelope. Inside it was a black bracelet with 3 beads. Every one of them representing something else.
Life, love, death.
You guess the colours.
She gave him the bracelet. It was a simple reminder that one small thing will bound him to her, for eternity. A thing that will make him be recognizable in the after life. Even if she was sure that she will  be able to feel him everywhere, in every world, even if she has to die 6 lives and to be born in the 7th.
He made a vow, he promised her his infinite love for life and beyond it.
And her life she gave to him…
She died the next day.                                

The illness took over and consumed her mind, her body. And with that last bite, it left her lifeless, unable to feel, to taste, to see, to dream.
Death has made it’s last move.
What will he be doing now?

The promise. Part ||

He felt the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Every second that passes, or that will pass from now on, will make him miss her more.
For a moment he stopped thinking about everything and just gazed into the same sun that she saw a few minutes ago. Then he remembered all that nonsene talking he has to do at her funeral. All those false intentions to sooth his soul, but none of them real. None of those pesky humans know her and everyone will forget about her.
His mind became a prison cell. A dark room with just a fading light and a rusty bed.

-“God! You’re so cruel! You took everything from me. Everything!”

And in a split of a second he dropped down on his knees, panicking about the thought of loosing his one true love and started crying his heart out, punching the floor with a rhythmic beat.
After a few hours of crying and kissing her cold hands, he finally decided to go on with the things he needed to do for the funeral.
Called the family and then… he waited.
Pain. All that pain in one day.
I don’t know why life gives us these moments. But it’s supposed to make us stonger. It’s supposed to make us handle the pain, get over it and get on with our lives.
He knew he wouldn’t.
He knew that from the moment she left, he will do everything to get her back, or follow her down.
For 3 weeks he couldn’t leave the house, the bed where they slept, the kitchen where they use too cook even though they always argued about the little space they had to share, and always end up by smaking her with the food.
That thing made her smile 9 out of 10 times.
Her smile… Oh, God, how he misses her smile!
She always smiled with all her face, especially with her eyes. And with those two dimples on her right cheek and that slight cut on her chin.
He remembers every detail on her face. Every single one.
And every time he closes his eyes, he can see her standing next to him and smiling.
That’s why he sleeps a lot.
So he takes a mouth full of water and shuts down the world that surrounds him.
A world he didn’t belong to anymore.
He smiled and fell asleep…
“I’ll have you again in my arms.” he whispered.
And the night turned into day, and the bed to a sunny beach where she sat down to a blue blanket sunbathing and smiling.

-“This is where i belong. I want to be here with you… Please, take me next to you.”
Please, my forever, please let this be the last time i fall asleep.”
-“It’s not your time now.” she said.
“Come here now, hold me tight because the night is short and i want to feel like i’m home again.”

They embraced. But he knew that as soon as he wakes up, everything will disappear.

• To be continued…

The promise. Part |||

A new day.

Spring has come once again, the sun finally woke up and started doing his job. The trees are dressing themselves with little green leaves and colorful flowers. The ground looks like its vaping continuously, and as the vapors rise, the heat feeds all the living creatures inside, making it look like a miniature colony. Humans strech, loose clothes and they start smiling more often.

But not our hero of the story…

He just stood there. The exact same spot that she colapsed for the first time. He made a habit of just sitting there on the ground, in a fetal position and cry for a few hours before he could start doing anything else. It became his everyday routine. After that he takes his clean clothes on his left shoulder and rushes into the bathroom. After a quick shower and a quick breakfast, he goes into the garden to feed the birds. For a couple of hours a day he feels normal. As normal as a broken heart could be. As soon as he gets everything done, the usual state of depression takes him over.

The front porch was illuminated by the red flaming rays of the sun that was leaving his back yard to go and warm the other side of the planet. The big white glass table and wooden chairs covered with remains of dead leaves left there from the long passed autumn, frozen in time by the icy winter, that almost screamed for him to come and clean them up. But he took his half empty cup of cold tea and as he watched the sun set he became once again empty and lost inside his mind.

“- I must convince her to let me stay!” he whispered through his white teeth.

As soon as the night took over, he went to bed. Closed his eyes and fell asleep in no time. As we all know, the human being has three stages of sleep, well, he always achieved to get into the 3rd stage of sleep, which is the deepest, very soon. Maybe the love for his girlfriend was making him force the deeps of his subconscious, maybe the fact that he was able to see her in his sleep was only a product of his imagination. But one thing was clear, he wanted to be there, to be with her forever without even thinking about the bitter end. The normal life wasn’t a place for him anymore. And let’s be honest, what is normal in our modern day society, anyway? Just a bunch of lab rats walking frenetically with their heads  stuck in their phones and their minds stuck on labels and consumerism. They are filth, they produce filth, and their lives aren’t valuable anymore. So he might as well be happy in his own fantasy. At least he is certain that his fantasy is a product of his own imagination, a working mind who can trick a soul that it can be full of joy again.

He dives in.

After he crosses a dark, dense fog, he arrives on the same beach that they met last time he went to sleep. She was still the most beautiful girl in the galaxy. Not that he saw all the girls of the galaxy, but he was absolutely convinced that there is no other. This time he was determined to stay on that beach forever, si he told her firmly:

“-I won’t leave, even if you get mad at me!” 

After he finished his words he untied his shoelaces and used them to tie his left arm to her right.

“-Here we go, now i’m your prisoner, i can’t go back to the real world, you have me forever as i promised.”

She smiled and just stand there. She knew that nothing will make him come back to reality, and in a blink of an eye she started to worry about how he will choose to end his life. Just by thinking how silly he acts, her smile lost it’s power and she became once again a lifeless doll.

Hours pass, and they both just lay there, with the naked sky above them,  the blue ocean waves at their feet, and the warm, beige sand under their weightless bodies. She kissed his lips one last time before the night ends and as she leans over to his ear and starts to whisper something…

he woke up.

The promise. Part |V

Summer is almost at it’s final breath. As the trees get undressed – humans get dressed, making this way a mutual connection.

With curtains drawn and dust on his eyelids, our hero of the story became a walking ghost. As the days passed him by, his life purpose started to become less  obvious as it was last year. But in exchange he found a new hobby. Driving around the state gathering stray dogs, which he usually took home and tend them as they were his children. He never stopped thinking about her, of course, he couldn’t. In fact he did everything for her, to make her proud, to make her happy. He still visited her in his dreams but now he couldn’t sleep as much because of the stress and all.

In one particular day, the day that woud change his life forever, he managed to sleep more that four hours, and he got a sleep so good that in the morning he even smiled as he was looking out the window at his dogs playing in the yard. They were gatherig wood sticks and running around with drools all over their snouts. After the morning coffee, he went in another journey. Little did he knew that everything will be alot different than it is now. As he got to the highway and started gaining some speed, a motorcycle got in his way and they collided violently. He tried to control it, but it was time for him to write a final page in his life diary. As he opened his eyes, saw the motorcycle driver crawling and screaming covered in blood. He tried to exit his car but the door was bend and a big part of it pierced his torso, just above the spleen. He tried to scream but the sound of his voice was barely audible.

As help came by, our hero lost alot of blood leaving him vulnerable to the game. After a long night of struggle, he got in a coma and remained like that for 4 months.

From the exterior things looked dramatic, but inside his mind happiness was making his veins pump. Being in a coma made him able to connect to his wife’s world without worrying about the limited time he had when he was asleep.

 

 

“So maybe this is not a coincidence neither a curse.”

 

They were happy. As happy as they were in the material world. They could have anything, from 6 hours sunrises to days, after days of rain. As a matter a fact they forgot completely about the notion of time. I just gave you and example of a fact from our material world. Time. The only thing that makes people change. So they did everything they were supposed to do in a lifetime. And after that, they had 6 other lifetimes together. They lived naturally and very simple. He would glaze over her face with the same interests as the first day he knew her. Never losing interest, always fascinated. Small touches, Eskimo kisses, hugs and moans…

The promise. Part V

Believe in your inner voice.

When the voice of your soul sings to your mind and when the mind lets itself dance to the rhythm of the heart, you’ll know you found real love. 

It just passed my mind that i’ve read so many books about love and found only a few to be accurate and fitting into my idealistic goals regarding attachment. For instance, in my opinion, i would say that a genuine love story is the most clichéique one; none other than  Romeo and Juliet. The tragic plan of how they found an answer for their love in death, the despair of hoping to be together in the after life makes you reconsider the whole concept of love and approach it more deeply. In one way, or other, we all die. Most of us live without even discovering the bitter sweet taste of love, but there are a few that feel it. And when they do, and death strikes, they never want to go back to their old habits and move on. They want to keep feeling that love in all ways possible even if that means to discard the body and take another form in the vast universe of the unknown. To search for their soulmate for an infinite number of lives, to hold them while they dive into oblivion. Going back to our two protagonists, who have a similar faith, the words i wrote earlier we’re meant as an introduction for the fifth chapter of the story. 

Their new life was perfect. Well, you can’t really call it a life because it wasn’t as real as me and you. Or was it?  They were real in their world. Doesn’t that makes it factual? Do you think you’re real in someone else’s world? Does their perception of you is the real you?

Well, perfect is a small word to describe their tale. 

-“Close your eyes and guess…” she whispered while she touched his nose with the index finger.

-“I don’t really know what to guess”, he said.

-“but i shall asume it’s about that smell of lavander i just sniffed.”

She smiled delighted by his aswer and kissed his forehead. 

-“You’re such a good guesser! No one could have guessed that, not even a million master perfumers.” 

He opened his eyes and grabbed her by the waist and kissed her. You could see the craving. Their red lips pumped up by the blood in their boiling veins. The hands moving from up to down to right and left, making sure they get every inch of skin under their touch. Water and hot coal. It makes you lose your breath, become more unrestrained, lose your shell and come out for a steam. Love making is deep and slow, that’s how the information gets stuck in your atoms. That’s how you synchronize. That’s what makes you smile the second day. That’s what gives you butterflies when you remember it in the afternoon, when you have to leave the bed sanctuary for another busy day in the world.

More than that, they had long walks. No talking. Just holding hands and smiling as often as their eyes met. Stars shine wherever you imagine them, so their world was filled with diamond skies. Fruits for breakfast. Milk rivers in the afternoon and a proper wine and dine in the evening.

-“You’re beautiful and i fall in love with you every time you blink”, he said.

-“You’re unique and I’m amazed by your puzzling smile. It’s like you pass by a field of freshly cut grass and you take a breath to furfill the need of a small child that wants to play outside”, he continued.

-“You’re all.”

…and for a moment he realized that he is half awake in a world that brings only suffering to the soul. So he wanted to escape and remain in his utopian dream.

Not long after he finished talking, she saw his changed look and told him that out there, on Earth, Her legacy is still alive.  And with this one sentence she gave him a new purpose, a new goal, and a hard choice to make.

The promise. Part Vl

   The greatest curse of life is not about wealth, beauty or power, it is among another spiritual things, about the fact that we have to forever say goodbye to the people we love. In one way, or another. We get one chance with every single person that passes through our lives. Most of the times we don’t realize it, sometimes we realize it too late. 

 How do you change something that is meant to happen? We can’t pay for time, we can’t rewind it, we can’t rewrite it. What can you do? Move on. Keep them in your heart and smile if you’re lucky enough to remember their voices. 

-“Eventually the memories you have, begin to fade and the new ones take their place and the people you once knew become subtile shadows on the back of your brain. Sticks and stones may break my bones but at least i know i’ve done some great things while i was still down there.” She said. 
At the same time, in a desperate need of air, he was crying. Manly tears. Sincere and pure. He bent the knee in front of his -now lost forever- love and kissed her hand one last time before saying goodbye. She smiled.

-“Why can’t i join?”  

-“Because your purpose is happening now. Because you can’t just skip life. Because at the end of it, i will still be here, waiting…In this world time will not be unkind with me and we will meet again.”

-“Now go! before i change my mind and become Casper the friendly ghost to chase you around until the end of your days, just for fun and to make sure you won’t forget me.” He cracked a smile and lay down in the grass. 

-“I promise i’ll make it back to you. Always!” 

As the wind blows, the green grass dances around their naked bodies, making waves of fading colors. 

-Scared of the new.

– That was his first feeling after he woke up from the 2 year coma. His relatives had lost all hope regarding his recovery, but somewhere deep inside they had a feeling that stopped them from pulling the plug. So with this lucky chance, and an angel who is watching his every move, he starts a journey on a new path. Spring has come once again.

The promise. Part V|| -Final.

No pain__no gain. 

“By the pain invested in me, i shall declare you forever damned to remember my smile -every .single.day- of your miserable life.”

 

A soul mercenary had left me into pieces on the floor. I tried to glue myself ever since.
Nobody has the power to undo this. I am like this because of someone but no one can help me. But me.
Every psychiatrist i met told me i should always write a letter at the end of something big in my life.
Just to finish with it and let it go.
So maybe that’s the answer. A last letter. The reason i never did it until now is because i never wanted to let go. I was safe in our dream.
I tried to get out of bed today. It was like all my muscles collapsed all of the sudden and my brain synapses snapped. They failed me. I realized i was miserable and this had to end.
I practically crawled to the kitchen and fetched myself a fruit.
It was tasty. I was blind and senseless for a lot of time and I haven’t been able to realize neither tastes or smells. I also remembered i like the sun a lot. I felt like a recharging cold blooded reptile.
So that was my morning, how was yours?
Oh, by the way, i drink tea every morning now. Since i woke up from it.
And also since i woke up i’m thinking more and more about adoption. You know, that thing you always wanted to do? How about a baby boy?
Starting from scratch? I bet he will have your sense of humor.
I’ll let you sinc to that for a moment while i go outside and feed the dogs. I still have a few. Most of them were taken to the animal shelter when i had the accident but I’m trying to get them back home. Those people told me that I’m not able to take care of them anymore. But I can’t imagine how I could take care of myself without them. They’re all i have left.
Right. There’s one more thing i’d like to write since i’m trying to do this for more than four hours.
I miss you. I know you will never see this, because you’re dead and I survived. It took me quite a while to accept that.It took me 15 pounds and a lot of tears. Even now i lie myself that you’ll someday give me an answer. I’m so foolish.
I wish i never had to wake up in a world without you.
I wish to be wherever, but with you by my side.
I wish they could stop believing in heavens and demons and just take it as it is. 

You exist as long as you breathe.

 After that you’re all the way up to your neck in the pit of oblivion. For most of them. But surely it has to be one unfortunate human that will remain haunted by your touch. In your case, ding-ding, i won! Now i have to get used to a life without my golden ticket.
I have to replace our chemistry with artificial substances.
I have to breathe with my burnt lungs and talk with my dry mouth.
I can see you in pictures but it serves me no good cause I can’t ask you what’s on your mind.
I can’t even hear your voice.
That’s all.
Probably this will not be my last letter.
You know i never listened to the doctors orders.
The survivor of his own misery,
-sincerely and undoubtedly- 

and of course, forever yours, Yang.

Letters about another kind of love. Letter 2.o

Somehow my day starts differently now. Different from the last time i remember i even cared about mornings.

Yesterday i sat for a couple of hours and i got overwhelmed by the way time passes us by.

How everything that we experience gets stuck on our skin, forever.

It gave me a good sense of reality but it also scared the shit out of me because i realized, once again, that i’m not infinite. I don’t know why this thing is still giving me anxiety. Maybe i’m scared because i didn’t found a real purpose yet, or maybe because I strive for greatness. There must be something behind this fear and i will probably overcome it when i will find the source of it.

Anyhow, i was saying that since a while ago, i changed the way i wake up. The way i get out of the bed, the way i set my mind to function and the way I breathe. I wish I didn’t. As time passed me by i became more aware of the dangers that could happen. I wish I didn’t, but somehow it’s a way of life now.

Maturity comes in bundles.

A hot and cold shower with bubbles and chlorine. It’s a land where all the fairies and cotton candy clouds have banished, where you find yourself tired and sore but where you can become anything you want (even a fairy) and buy yourself an entire cotton candy factory.

Maturity doesn’t mean you have to let go of your inner child.

The beauty of it gets me hyped up and sometimes i think I’m indestructible. But there are times when I don’t know what am i doing and why am i even trying. In those moments i tend to stay very often because i find them comfortable.

It’s like a bed.

A bed where you feel safe, where you feel relaxed, when you don’t have to worry about shelter but where you also get muscle cramps from sitting too long, and hunger, and where you suffocate because the blanket is pulling you under, slowly.

I’m glad i’ve come so far.

I’m glad i had it all.

I’m glad I’ve learned, I suffered, i laughed till i cried and vice versa.

I’m lucky and cursed,

i’m beauty and beast,

i’m loving and unforgiving.

My own life made me the greatest that I can be but it also crippled me.

Time gave me a lot of things but I didn’t knew how to accept them.

I clenched myself.

But now i see that my gift was placed on the top shelf and i had to work my way up to grab it.

I became a story. A story that’s not done yet, nor will be done until a real purpose will be found.

Until greatness.

Until infinity.

Letters about another kind of love. Letter 1.o

In my opinion, the key to a healthy human interaction is expressing freely what you feel, see, or get from others without having any issues with how they will react.

What’s the point of this damn selfish behavior?

Why do we have to torture others just to feel good about ourselves?

Why do people have the notion of payback for something that they considered offensive just because it was said straight in their faces and not around their asses?

If you don’t understand something you either – ask, if you want to learn or

-leave, if it’s too difficult to comprehend.

Before you judge anyone who’s expressing themselves through whatever (hobby, self love, stupidity of the age, idk you name it), you have to ask yourself some questions.

Like,

Who the fuck am i to talk about anyone’s business?

Am i better?

What great things did I accomplished on my own?

Did i ever made something without any expectations of anything in return?

You are not entitled to judge anyone’s choices in life.

It’s not your damn life, it’s their life.

Live yours. It’s short. You have soo many good things to see before hatred and pettiness. Trust me, it’s not only about you, your needs and your bad habits.

There is empathy, kindness, real love ;they’re all out there behind those walls you build out of fear or idk what twisted trauma you have, you better go see a damn psychiatrist or a shaman and fix yourself lol.

You just have to change your way of seeing the world. You are not in a competition with anyone, we all have our place somewhere.

Chill the heck down.

You got this.

Signed,

Drama lama, over.

Chapter 6. Final book.(Summer breeze:)

Ultimele zile de vara voiau sa-si lase amprenta. Dimineti calduroase, dupa-amieze toride si seri racoroase. Reuseste sa le imbine atat de bine pe toate trei, incat iti vine sa opresti timpul in loc, sa vrei sa tragi de el si sa-l latesti, sa-l faci cat o patura albastra precum cerul dupa-amizelor din parcuri, si sa vrei sa te tolanesti, sa te bucuri de clipele care nu mai trec.
Versatilul sfarsit de vara.
Simti cum te insoteste peste tot? Ii simti rasuflarea-n ceafa atunci cand dupa o zi de mers pe jos, transpirat si obosit, reuseste sa-ti ridice parul de pe spate?
Simti cum parca nu vrea sa lase toamna sa te imbrace?
In modul ei cuminte si subtil, nu-ti lasa imaginatia sa zburde, ci doar se joaca cu subconstientul tau. Uneori iti permite sa fii decent, sa-ti acoperi umerii cu frunze ruginii si cu amintirile inceputului canicular.
Ii e frica de toamna, si mai ales, de octombrie. Toamna lui septembrie doar il face pe sfarsit de vara sa-ti demonstreze ca nu totul e rece si inert, ca desi se aseamana prin gesturi, stari si trairi, anotimpurile nu sunt niciodata identice.
Cu octombrie e diferit, mai ales cand esti o persoana care s-a obisnuit cu frigul. Dar el lupta. Lupta, si te face sa-ti doresti sa-ti pui mereu un tricou pe sub hainele groase, doar asa, sa speri, ca poate razele sfarsitului de vara te vor incalzi pana cand vei vrea sa renunti la frigul lui octombrie, si uiti de haine groase.
Toata viata mi-am dorit sa traiesc doar la sfarsitul verilor. Toamna intotdeauna imi da stari depresive, iar iarna ma baga-n cochilie. Pentru mine primavara n-a existat niciodata. Este doar o stare de tranzitie, o perioada in care trebuie sa ies din cochilie, sa devin larva, sa ma hranesc, apoi sa-mi deschid aripile pregatindu-ma sa-mi fac un prim si ultim dans gratios peste capetele ingandurate si pline de metehne ale unor candidati la moarte plictisitoare si ajungand, in final, in bratele brizei sfarsitului de vara.
Mi-as dori sfarsit de vara atemporal.
Si jeleuri roz, sau verzi.